what the...

This blog is saving my sanity... I'm so glad I decided to write in this from the start. ^.^

Usually, I have bouts of negative moods, but I'm at a low. Between one and ten, I'm at the lower middle, so I'm fine, it's just... a lot of things have been on my mind.

I just wish my mother would accept me as an individual, with my values and what I want to do in the future. I wanted to talk with her privately, but by brother was in the room. I asked her if he could go out but she wouldn't do anything about him leaving. I swore I could have heard that my brother being in the room was a good thing. ugh... Don't get me started on about him. 

When my teacher was talking about grad and at the banquet part of the ceremony we could sit with our friends, I got scared. Scared that I would be rejected. Rejected to a seating. It's always been complicated... I've never been around long enough for a "permanent friendship group" in my life... Either I don't feel like I belong with them, or I'm too impatient. I love to love people and it pains me when I hurt someone. Before I was self actualized, there was this period of time when I felt the need to please everyone in my life, but I would receive failed results and everything would back fire on me. But I hope... for grad, when the time comes I will sit with the people who stayed true to me ever since the beginning.

Speaking of my mother, I fear for my dad. He's getting old and a little moody, it's just... I wish I could do something to help him. (Would add more, it's just... so tired...)

It's so frustrating everyday, that I'm surprised I'm still alive typing to the empty space that is the internet... I fear that I'll be a stranger to people, inside the family and out... but I could just be over reacting.

*~Let a lucky star guide my way and lead me out of the darkness...